I haven't written a blog all month

This is not a cheap attempt to get something to show up in my blogger for May, OK, maybe it is a little. I just spotted the date, and realized my last post was about my one year anniversary of going vegan. Suffice it to say (I like saying that) that I have not been putting much emphasis into my blogging. I have no real answer for this. I had a few people ping me about this a few months ago, so i made some half hearted attempts at writing witty entries with pictures that I did not get approval from anyone for displaying. I re-read the last few, and they lack the enthusiasm that I had in the fall. Maybe it was all still fun and fresh, and maybe I am settling in for the long haul, and these types of things are falling by the wayside. I will say that I do go all hot and heavy and get excited about things, only to have the luster wear off, and I am bored and looking for something new to play with. (Not at all a marital or relationship reference, in case anyone is getting nervous).

So 13 months later and I am settling in. I will say I had some serious discussions with myself about abandoning this this whole thing, and just going back to a more modest diet. You know, just try to keep things in moderation, and avoid overdoing everything like I used to. I figured if I could do this for 13 months, I could go back to a modest diet, eat a healthy balance of meats, dairy, veggies, grains, etc. I thought about it. But I keep going back to my smoking analogy. I wont bore you with that again, I've written about it twice now. I could say that having given up smoking for 5ish years, I could surely go back to smoking just a few cigs a day or a week, right???. How many ex-smokers would go along with that? Yeah, not too many. If I could go from a regular smoker for many years, to a casual smoker, and never want more, I would surely be able to conquer the world. I will bet that my going vegan is more realistic than me being able to casually smoke. So that being said, the thing that kept me back the most was fear. Fear of starting something, spending months and months to figure it out, and then destroy it overnight.

I'll admit that I was not caught up in veganism ethics, animal cruelty, etc. (I'll lose a few followers for that one). I was afraid of not being able to handle it. Go back to my glutinous over indulging ways, pack the weight back on that I lost, and feeling my health decline as my cholesterol goes up. I was afraid of going on to twitter and saying "So I fucked up and had some KFC"... Yeah, if I go out, I'll go out flaming. Not just nibble on a piece of cheese, or having something with butter in it,.. no I'll have some fried chicken, a cheeseburger, or something else that would no doubt double me over in pain, as my system would probably react like tossing water on a hot frying pan. What was I going to say? I could lie, but my wife has noted that I am an absolutely horrendous liar. I'm sure I wouldn't get vary far.

So I even went so far as to plan out what I was going to do with my blog. I had planned to first delete my twitter account, first dm'ing my closer friends. But what would I tell them? People are people, and we all have friends that share different views, political, sexual, whatever. And my "friends" would probably continue to be there, but then since I've only met,.. hmmmm, one? of my tweeps. I'm guessing I have not built up enough trust and respect for anyone to really understand what really makes me tick. Stands to reason, the friends I've had for 20+ years haven't really figured it out (I have faith in "Lee" though, we connect on other planes as well). Next I planned to delete my blog, but then I thought about how I could save off my articles. That made little sense to me. Why would I want to save things about something I tried and failed. No, in order to hide from the shame, I would have to just disconnect from everyone, delete all traces of me, and simply vanish.

I thought about. I admit it. I think about it. But I have to confess that after 13 months, I'm still looking for answers. We went to a Yogic Takeover of Fountain Square in Cincinnati a few weeks back. A big yoga, vegan fest right downtown. A friend of my wifes (part of her yoga troupe) is a musician, and he did a funky vegan rap called "Where do you get your protein?". It was a fun song about plant based diet, and the myths of needing meat/dairy to stay strong and healthy. It was a great song, and I felt pride, which is a feeling I never really had until that point. When it was done, my son Alex, the eternal meat eater, said "Alright Dad" and clapped. He was excited that it was a song about his dad. I put my vanishing plans on hold at that moment.

So I'm not fishing for sympathy at all on this blog. Its just a rambling a stream of consciousness. No pictures, no editing (I did the spell check as I was typing though). Just what was going on in my mind, on this last day of May.

I haven't vanished, and I'm really not intending too. I'm just dealing with the end of the exciting fresh and fun phase, and the start of the long stretch. Its like going on a cross country vacation with your parents. Its starts out great. In the car, singing, playing games,... then you realize you aren't even close, and your brother is annoying the shit out of you. This has nothing to do with my brother of course, but i'm at that phase. So i need to prepare for the next one, so I am not caught unprepared for the realities of what lies ahead. I cant make any promises how this blog will evolve. I'm digging in though. No plans to retreat (yet)

Winter is coming....