Friday, July 30, 2010

4th of July, and wanting to Cheat

Ok, this post is more about cheating and less about the 4th of July, but in case I go back and look at the history, it gives me an idea of where I am in this process.  The 4th of July was spent as many families around the country, going from gathering to gathering, smelling the familiar smells of hot-dogs and hamburgers on the grill, and instead of being turned off, I am really wondering if having one would really do much harm.  My wife gave me an out at a friends party and told me just to have one, but I said no, more out of the fear of unraveling what I have done over the last few month, than rejecting eating meat.

I look at this like smoking.  I used to smoke, and I was good at it.  No, I was great at it.  I was the best smoker you ever saw, and I loved it.  I loved the sound the match made as it slid across the paper, slowly sparking and coming alive.  The first wisp of sulfur smell it made, and the sight of that small golden flame that I produced.  Bringing it to the cigarette, and the paper and tobacco start to ignite, as I pull on the filter.  The sound to the ignition, the first puff, and then a nice deep pull, inhale, feel that slight tingle in your chest, and release the smoke into the air.  Wow, it was a great feeling.  I felt the stress melt away with ever relaxing draw.  This was a part of me, and something I could not imagine giving up...... But just like that, I did.

I looked at my son, 5 at the time, and my 3 yr old daughter, my failed marriage, and I wondered if this was what I had let myself become.  What example was i setting for my kids?  How long could I expect to live not caring what I did to myself?  I felt old, I was old, and I wanted to change.  I quit smoking, and haven't touched (not true, i did touch) one since.  And I could never do it, because I know how much I liked it.  One smoke could never suffice, it would pull me back in, and take me over, and I could never let that happen.  I wasn't just about me any more.

What about eating?  Is this the same for me?  I was a good eater. Food was (is) a big part of my life.  I loved simple foods and complex foods, and when a meal came together just right, it was an experience for me I could not explain.  My wife loved cooking for me, because I would actually become giddy at times when it all worked out just right. I loved food, and I loved to eat, and now I cant say that, and I am looking for how I feel that way again.  What I do know is I cannot eat that cheeseburger, not unless I am willing to undo the last few months.  This whole process would have been for nothing.  I'm still learning, I cant give up just yet.  I'm just starting to figure a few things out.

Take a deep breath, walk away, pick up my wonderful son, and think about all of the times we will spend together, and forget the grill.  Danger averted, but how long do I go through this?  I really need to find a few goto meals... I need to fall in love again, with food...............

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