3 Yr Vegan Anniversary

Yea! am I right? 3 years. Woo-hoo. I am so vegan, I stopped calling my wife "honey" in and started calling her "agave".  Seriously though I should be flying high on all this vegan shit, I should have kale flying out of my ass at this point right? Yeah, right.

But lets not jump right into that mess, lets remember how we got here, if you know anything about me, you know that I "would never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say". I live by that philosophy, ask anyone (seriously, go ask). So this started three years back with a binge of PB&J's and Spaghetti dinners since I had no clue how to eat vegan. Now, as much as I like both of those things, I really don't eat them very much. I have matured.

I got on Twitter and Blogger over the next few months, and before I got going I was all but assured that the craving for meat would go away in a few months and by 6 months I would be put off even being around animal products. I was a bit skeptical, but I had originally given this whole movement about 6 months anyways, so lets see. Keep in mind, I hadn't had a cigarette in years too, and I've wanted one every day. Still do. I wrote a sexy blog about them back in 2010. So since I never lost the craving for a good smoke, I doubted I would lose the craving for meat. In fact, while I was digging through my blog I ran across this gem I would have to say that there is still a lot of truth in that. A lot of favorite items in that. And many vegans loath bacon. Yes my friends, I know, "Bacon had a Mom". But some days, I want to eat that bitch on toast.

So if you look at my blog over the years, I mention this struggle many times. So what I am saying should really come as no real surprise to anyone. This is going to be a battle for a long time, if not forever. This is where I try not to think too hard. This past week I was in Tupelo, MS. I seriously considered going out for a southern breakfast by myself. No one would know me, no one would question me. Like I was indulging in some fantasy far away from home, with no chance of getting caught. I wanted to cheat, but I knew what would happen. The same thing that would happen if I went outside right now and smoked a cig. It would not be enough. I would want one in the morning. And, I would find a way to justify it. So I would have another, and another. I would be smoking half a pack in a weeks time. I fear the same with food. So oddly enough, fear keeps me vegan.

That just fired off another blog thread that I have wanted to start for sometime. I've become much more obsessed with eating. More than I should be. I'll write about that another time. I should not be a vegan because I am afraid of reverting to becoming non vegan. But that is one of the main reasons I still am. And this is how I spend my third year of becoming a vegan.

So I'll leave this for now as I explore why after three years, despite how much more more I understand vegan-ism, and how I understand the cruelty of the animal industry, and that I have not eaten any of these products (to my knowledge) in three years, I still crave fried chicken and yes bacon. My wife cant stand to be around the stuff. That's where I thought I would be. I think about it every day, then I think about having a smoke after. Its a good thing I don't have a drinking problem.

Yet.

Lets get real

This is not a diary, I'll try not to treat it as such. If you really want to hear about whats going on between my ears, then send me an email, I'll send you a thesis. In the meantime, we'll be talking more about food. I've made attempt after attempt to try and get back to writing here, so I am making another attempt. I've got a blog in the works. You'll see. It wont post tonight, the battery on my laptop is unforgiving. It is my 3 yr vegan anniversary, and although I have survived the years, and have adapted to the lifestyle quite well, I still have demons that haunt me. Yes haunt. That's what I want to talk about. So maybe I will keep it a little dark, I am a little dark after all. I'll just keep it in context. Stay tuned for some Crabby ass vegan.

World Peace, or just peace of mind?

This past weekend, I went to the World Peace Jubilee in Cincinnati. Loveland to be exact. My wife is active in the local yoga community, and has been involved with the group that puts this on. She went through yoga training, and is a certified pre-natal yoga instructor. She has been trying to get me to attend the teacher training for quite some time now. My biggest argument was that I didn't think I could sit long enough to get through the weekends required. It was the best argument I could come up with at the time. I just could not see myself going through that. Me who has probably only attended a handful of yoga classes in my life to begin with.

I attended 2 days of this festival. One and a half to be exact. I made it in time for lunch on Friday. This was a good start. Being a vegan, and entering a dining room where everything on the buffet was vegan, was a delight to my eyes. At my fathers request (I am trying to put a few pounds back on), I proceeded to make a fool out of myself and eat like I had not had a meal in days. We sat in the cafeteria for a while, and friends of my wife came up and talked to us, and the vibe in the place was very positive. It was starting to be a decent day.

From there my wife convinced me to go and see a screening of The Peaceable Kingdom. The filmmakers and one of subjects of the movie was there. I admit, I have never seen any environmental film. Not one. I have avoided any and all imagery that offended me. I knew what went on in slaughter houses, and I have seen enough stories on the news when a case of abuse comes up, but I was not going to watch it. I'm the one who cries when I hear the Sarah Mclachlan song with the SPCA commercial. So I was not at first going to go. I was going to go read my book while she attended, but I decided to go anyway.

I wont get into too many details, but it was a very powerful film, and it was gut wrenching to see the images of abuse, and to know and understand the realities of what is going on in the industry, and what is considered standard and customary practices. If I was not a vegan already, I would have become one on the spot. This movie had an impact on me, and although I readily admit, I still looked away during some of the more graphic images, It set the tone for me for the rest of the day, and remainder of my time here.

Freshly wrecked from watching this movie, and sitting in the circle and listening to the discussion, we made our way to my first real yoga class in many months. I think this was called a "vinyasa" class, whatever that means. It basically meant I was the only guys who could not touch his toes let alone palm the ground. I managed to adjust accordingly, and was helped numerous times by the helpers in the class. I made the mistake of trying to follow the lady in front of me, but I found out she had her own studio, and was highly advanced. After her first handstand, I decided I should look for another person to copy. This was really a good class after watching the movie.

From there we went to dinner, which I was still a little full from lunch, but again, with so many culinary options, I felt this was something that I could not pass up, and I was looking forward to going and trying everything they had. it was not going to disappoint. I should write a blog just about the food, but i'll move on.

After dinner, I listened to a presentation by Nathan Runkle of Mercy For Animals. This was a great presentation, and he talked about his life and how he became an activist. It was an eye opening experience for me, as I had never really heard any of this information before first hand. Again, I have made it a point to avoid hearing anything bad or graphic. Remember I became a vegan first without knowing why. I am probably one of the few people there that went that route first, only to try and figure out why second.

By the end of my first day, we found ourselves in the freedom tent enjoying some live music. It was all entertaining, and then just before we left, I became mesmerized by a band and a voice that I knew was going to be something I listened to and would follow for a very long time. This band was name HuDost, and the singer Moksha had the most amazing voice I had heard in a long time. What an end to amazing day.

The next day started much earlier than I would have wanted otherwise on a Saturday, but I was not going to miss breakfast. Not after the last two meals I had. We were up and on the road before the kids awoke (Its cool, grandma and grandpa where there). We managed to get there in plenty of time, and I enjoyed an amazing breakfast with a Tofu scramble quionoa and kale, potatoes, and an assortment of other items, green drinks that tasted like your summer lawn, and more flavors of tea than you knew existed. If the day ended here, i would be fulfilled.

After breakfast my wife and I chatted with a lady at our table for a while. it turned out that she was the one I had tried to follow in my yoga class. We chatted for a while, and the subject turned to my/our veganism, and she was interested in my transition, and I admit i was enjoying talking about it. I had not talked about really to someone that was genuinely interested. Most people I tell are just co workers and others who mostly tell me "I could never give up meat", or "cheese", or otherwise though I may have had a screw loose. For once in a long time, I got to talk about this to someone who really seemed interested in the story. That was a good start to the day. Plus I got to plug my crabbyvegan twitter, of which she is now following me. Its fun to make new friends.

From here we went to listen to John Pierre. Evidently, he is a friend of Ellen Degeneres, and has worked with a lot of other famous, and not so famous folks. He is a 30 yr vegan, and gave us a talk on boosting your brain performance. Lets just say I should have taken a notebook, but I did learn enough to know I need to get a vitamin B-12 supplement. He gave a us a fascinating talk on not just fitness and nutrition, but on love and compassion. I think that was the part that I really enjoyed hearing. And I have tried to adjust my way of thinking over the years. My family will tell you I am a much less stressed driver than I used to be. The more you hate me, the more I will love you in return. This is something that I have been telling my kids, my son most recently. I have told him that my hopes and dreams for him are that he becomes a loving, compassionate and kind person. What he chooses as a career is secondary. Be a good person.

From here we went to a Jivamukti yoga class. I had to Google this to get the spelling, since I didn't really know about this. Despite being married to a yoga instructor, I really don't ask her a lot about yoga. I probably will more though. So this was yoga with live music, and a spiritual message. This was in keeping with the theme of the weekend which was to respect all life, and enhance others lives any way we can.

This was a fun class. The music was outstanding, the mood in the room and the energy was intoxicating, and this was clearly one of the high points of the last few months where my mind has been an array of anxiety, despair, depression. I felt alive and free. It was such a great feeling to be surrounded by so much love and  compassion. You could not help getting caught up in the moment. As much as my body wanted the physical activity to end, in my mind I wanted to stay in this class forever.

It seemed like this weekend had food around every corner, so it was no surprise that it was lunch time again, and we were off to another wonderful meal. This time there were some veggie burgers, a Mexican enchilada dish, amount so many other things. The food was nothing short of amazing, and for me, this is really been all veganism has meant to me. This is why this weekend really opened my eyes. For me veganism has meant what was for lunch or dinner, and this weekend has shown me that there are so many more fulfilling things out there besides a meal.

After lunch we heard a speech by Kathy Stevens and Will Tuttle. Kathy gave an amazing speech about her rescue, and although the general theme has been pretty consistent. It really does amaze me that people can be so devoted to their convictions, and can dedicate their lives to trying to promote and do so much good. I am in awe of these people that can put so much more before them, and not spend their lives thinking about how they personally can get ahead. Its a nice change to the world I live in where its all about schedules and deadlines for so many things that have such little meaning in life.

Will Tuttle is of course the author of the book (which I have not read) that is the basis for the my wife's group, and the focal point for this festival. Will is a fascinating person to listen to, and talks much about the physical as well as metaphysical aspects of consuming dead animals. Being a scientist of sorts, I have to somewhat think hard about the metaphysical intake in consuming a dead animal. But I am intrigued and fascinated, and can also understand that I am not interested in ingesting all of the fear and pain that these poor creatures have suffered. I am interested in learning more. And I am convinced even more that I will not change from a vegan lifestyle. I want to make myself a better vegan now.

That afternoon we did something called a "Kirtan". I had to Google this as well to make sure that I spelled this right. I thought we were just going to listen to some music, but we in fact were quite an active part in it. I wont try to define it, as others may take exception to my rudimentary yogic knowledge, but in simple terms, we partook in a set of chants to music. It was a no brainer, as this was being done by "HuDost", whom I fell in love with the night before. For the next hour and a half we sang chants with HuDost to a point where I nearly thought I would lose my voice. Moksha's voice is so amazing that the experience was nothing short of hypnotic. I wish I could remember what the chants were. They were all very inspirational, and full of love and life, and you could feel the energy pulsing in your veins to the sounds of the drums, guitar, and harmonium. We did about 5 chants, and then they played a song for us. It was incredible to sit in a circle and sing with this group. I think this was my highlight of the weekend without a doubt. We spent about 10 mins after talking to the group, and purchasing some of their music. What an inspirational sessions that was.

it always seemed as if there was another meal just around the corner, and true to form, we found ourselves heading to our last dinner. This was a 4 day conf, but we were only going to Friday and Saturday. It was winding down, and I was already starting to see the end in sight. But not until we had dinner. Tonight we had Pizza and Sushi, among other things, but this is what I focused on. The food, as always was amazing, and we sat with two of my wife's friends, and a new person who evidently was trying to find the vegans in Cincinnati. We let her know that she found us. My wife told her about her group, and hopefully we'll see her again.

I'll say I met a lot of people, but i also re-met quite a few. A lot of these folks were people I had met before, but just didn't remember for one reason or another. I feel a little closer to them now, although i'll probably still need help remembering their names.

The night before at the end of the evening we sat and talked with a friend of my wife who was in the middle of the teacher training. It was inspiring listening to him. I talked about the stresses of my job, and the desire to find a little more peace in my life. He was a strong advocate for the teacher training, and despite my wife telling me about this for the last 6 months, this is the first time I really considered it.

Maybe this community is good for me. I'm still an outsider. I'm a vegan in diet only, and every time we went to any yoga sanctioned event I felt like the "spouse" coming along for the ride. This was the first time I felt a real connection, and I loved the experience, and recognized that this could be an avenue to help me find the peace that i am so desperately seeking. I don't see myself really teaching a yoga class, or become an activist, but I do seek enlightenment. I seek knowledge and understanding, and I am tired of telling people that I'm a vegan mainly because I needed to give up fast food, and because my wife did it. Maybe that is why I started, but I do feel I have changed. I feel I have improved as a human, but I want to improve more. More than anything I want to quiet all the noise in my head, and become more loving and compassionate.

I think that sounds like a good goal for the next phase of my vegan journey.

I want to come home.

is there anybody out there?

I'm just asking. This is a vegan blog, and as you can see from the posts, or lack of, they have been centered primarily around vegan related topics. As the charter states, it is meant to document my transition from a meat eater to a vegan, and all of the trials and tribulations therein. Clearly I've not had much to say lately with regards to vegan-ism, perhaps I've had other things on my mind.

I plan to delve into those a little bit. I need a mechanism to help quiet things that are rattling around in my mind. I'll probably address my veganism, but its more about getting my life back on track, and getting whole again, as I am feeling pieces of me break apart and crumble around me. I need to do something, and I need a place to talk about it.

This seems as good a place as any.

13 years

I posted this time last year, as it is now the 13th anniversary of my fathers kidney transplant. If your interested, I blogged about it exactly one year ago

I wont repeat all of the details I blogged back then, but I will make an update. I admit, I don't think about this much, rarely at all. I guess that is a good thing. It means the kidney is functioning, and I am not suffering any ill effects. My dad does mention the vast array of meds he takes from time to time, but for some reason I forget about where the kidney came from. Again, I think that is a good thing. The less I think about, and the less he thinks about (although I suspect he is reminded of it daily), the better I think it is. If it doesn't stick in your mind, its probably not a big deal (its a big deal, you know what I mean)

I have not checked the UNOS site lately, but I know there is a long line of people waiting for organs that can be transplanted by a living donor. Consider giving someone the gift of life, and if you cant be a living donor, make sure that you pass that on to others after you go. You cant take these things with you, and you just may save a life.

Once a year I get an email from my dad, and I relive the time. It was a tough time going through the surgery, not just the physical side of it, but mostly the mental aspect of it. I do get choked up when I think back on it. It takes but a moment, and I am transported back that snowy January. I remember the night before vividly. I was about as anxious as I had ever been. I distinctly remember getting ready in the morning, and I can recall how I felt, and exactly how the bathroom on the second floor looked when I was getting ready to go. I remember walking down the stairs. Being hungry because I was on a fast. I remember the girl at Froedart sticking my arm for an IV. It was the first one she had ever done. They asked if we could be practice for new students. It wasn't bad for a first stick. I congratulated her. I remember my mom crying. I don't see her do that often, so it is a vivid memory. The I remember the doc telling me he was going to give me something that would calm me down. I wonder what it was, because it was nothing short of awesome. That was a good way to go into surgery, because it was a hard recovery after. My dad recovered quicker, and felt better instantly. Amazing how this organ works. Thankfully you only need one.

I only really go back there once a year when my dad reminds me. There have been many years that this day came and went, and we both completely forgot. I think that is a good thing too. So this year my dad reminded me that he just turned 13.

Well another year has gone by, 13 (less one day), to be exact, and

thanks to you I am still on this planet.  I thank my lucky stars every

day for the extra time your generosity has bought me..To think I

wouldn't be here to enjoy Alex, Maddie, Sam and Sabrina and the rest

of the our family...I've said many times "thanks" doesn't even come

close.  Everyone I've told of your sacrifice has said the same good

things about you that I have known since day one..Thanks again Bri, I

love you, did before, still do.

Still do? That last bit cracked me up pretty good. I still love you too dad. :-)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family, and all of my followers here and on Twitter. I will resolve to be present on both of these more. For my family, I promise be present more for you as well.

Wishing everyone the best for 2012.

Year End Thanks

You might believe that I have completely abandoned this blog, and you would partially be right. I could blame a lot of things, kids, work, new baby, holidays, but basically I've just lost enthusiasm and interest. Its unfortunate, as I wanted to be able to look back on this blog as an account of my veganization, and with the long gaps, it doesn't tell much of a story. I tried a few months ago to get it going, but I never got back in the habit. I would still like to continue doing this, and I will resolve to try and put my thoughts out here on a more regular basis in the coming year.

To finish of the year, I want to thank my family for dealing with my ups and downs, my wild mood swings (they weren't really that wild), and for generally keeping me together this year. I really have an amazing wife, she see's potential in me, where I tend to give up and quit. I cant say enough about her (but I will for the moment on this blog). My big kids are awesome, and they have welcomed there younger siblings without question. I am having a tough time watching them grow up though. I'm sure I'll be mentioning that again in the next year. My brother and sister live in Wisconsin, and I wish I could see them more. I'm not a good communicator, and we don't talk much either. That doesn't help. I'd like to improve on that. My wife's family all live withing about a 20 minute drive of each other, and I am jealous that they can get together for dinner on Sunday. I am thankful for them for taking me, and my big kids in and adopting us into the family, but its not the same. My folks are in Florida, and we see each other a handful of times a year. Its too few for my liking, but we are trying to manage it. I hope that next year I get to see them all more times than the previous year. I'll wish the same thing again this time next year.

Not that any or all of these people will even see this, I want to extend a special thanks to several people who have stuck with me over the last year, and despite my comings and goings on twitter, always seem to be there when I have something important, (or more likely, silly and juvenile) to say. Happy New Year to Lee, Megan, Neven, Noelle, Andrea, Carol and Heather. Thanks for keeping an eye on me this year.

Happy New Year to all my family and friends,

What I learned this week

I got my Project Management Professional certification about a month back, and one of the things I picked up by the teacher was in regards to "status" meetings or updates. Having update meetings to just tell everyone where your "at" seemed to be a complete waste of time. Everyone should know where you or your project is "at", and if you are telling your team where you are "at", than you aren't effectively communicating to your team. So instead of just presenting where you are at, perhaps it would be better to have everyone on your team discuss something that they learned in the last week or so. What lesson did you learn? Good or bad, right or wrong. What did you learn?

We are always experiencing and learning new things, so it would be doubtful that we could really walk through life and pick up absolutely nothing. So what did you learn? I ask my kids this all the time. What did you learn at school today? I never get an straight answer out of this, and it always takes prodding, but I am going to be adamant at dinner next time, and ask them to tell me one thing they learned in that day. No free passes, you have to answer the question. I expect dinner will be exciting. I had better give them a heads up, so they will remember to not forget what they did at school. My son can recite dialog from Minecraft or Roblox. Tell you the names of all the animators and directors at Studio Ghibli, but I'll be damned if he can remember what he did at school, as we are driving away from it.

So what have I learned since my last blog? Good question. My lesson for this week is "Pareve".

pa·re·ve    [pahr-uh-vuh, pahr-vuh]  Show IPA

adjective Judaism .

having no meat or milk in any form as an ingredient and beingpermissible for use with both meat and dairy meals as stated inthe dietary laws: a pareve bread; pareve soup.

I'm surprised I'd never heard of this term. My only experience with "Kosher" has been pickles. And I admittedly never really knew what that meant. Having spent a good deal of time on the east side of Cleveland, I've been exposed to a large Jewish population, but I didn't know anything about dietary laws. I remember going to a "diner" a few years back (pre vegan) and we went to get cheese burgers, which as I learned were not kosher. Actually, that's where I first realized you could not mix meat and dairy. A cheeseburger is really the ultimate insult to the life of a cow anyways, but then these dietary laws are not about animal rights anyway. Cheese and Burger apparently do not go together.

Also, my nephew has an extreme dairy allergy, and I learned that there were candy stores that would sell dairy free chocolate. This was stuff my mother-in-law had been buying for years. "Alex Safe", is what I heard. In the past year, I've been eating a lot more "Alex Safe" food. This week I heard my first news of the so called vegan M&M. So I found myself browsing through a candy store this week and this term "Pareve" was found on a vast majority of the candy in this place. I first thought it was a brand, but when I asked at the store, I was informed that this tells you that what you are eating is devoid of any milk or meat products, hence, it can be enjoyed with either. No milk or meat... that is damn near vegan. Well fortunately, I took a brief perusal of the ingredients to find that almost all of them were made without eggs as well. I started scooping my "Chocolate Lentils" out of the bin. (Albeit, damn expensive for M&M's)

Not a healthy discovery by any stretch, but a very important one. These are important battles in the daily vegan struggle. Finding new ways to enjoy this way of life, as opposed to just "dealing" with it. 

I only hope I learn as good a lesson next week.

Twitter has killed my blog

To Whom It May Concern,

I took a long hard look at what my blog has become, and I am pretty disappointed in what it has evolved into. The whole point of this blog was to document my transition from a meat eating lifestyle to one of peace, serenity and a plant based diet. It was a pretty big deal. If you knew me, you would have never in a million years have thought I would omit so many things from my lifestyle. I admittedly didn't know why I was doing it, and I had this idea that writing an online journal would somehow be a fun way for me to document things as I discover them about myself. I thought it would be an interesting perspective down the road to understand how I could make such a transition. I wanted to document my ups and downs, successes and failures. I wanted it to really trend my life and help give me a greater perspective on what I have chosen to do. I had a lot of thoughts of what it would become.

Shortly after starting this, I got my first few followers on this blog, and like the addictions I have had, I quickly got the high from people tuning in. So how could I get more people to tune in? I added a Twitter account. (@crabbyvegan if you haven't figured that out by now). I got a feedburner account, and pointed my posts to twitter. This was pretty limiting, since I only had a few followers, so I started following vegans. I searched on the keyword, and started following. I remember the first time someone tweeted to me. Oddly enough, she never followed me, still doesn't. I followed dozens upon dozens, and my follow total started to grow. At this time my follower total on my blog started going up, and comments on my blog took off. I was obsessed with who was following me, and getting people to comment on my blog. I obsessed over blog entries that didn't get as many comments, and it was obvious that I wasn't writing for myself anymore.

It was early into the year when my workload and travel schedule went off the charts that my blogging really slowed down. I had a lot of things to say, but I could never get my entries funny enough, or have an interesting enough story for myself, or find a funny enough picture to go along with what I was writing. So posts went unfinished, and before too long I couldn't remember what I was writing about, so I just deleted the post entirely. I was more interested in telling an entertaining story than just opening up and just letting it pour out. That really was the original point.

Now my twitter feed is a endless stream of liberal rhetoric, recipe blogs, foursquare check-in's, complaints about work, sports updates, and food porn. I will say, that there is a certain positive that has become of this, I've managed to find a handful of people that I am truly interested in hanging out with. I don't plan on deserting them, as they have always stuck with me. Some of whom have noted my absence. I think that's a real sign. When you post a blog and solicit comments, you are bound to get some. But when you are noticed for being absent, you have to think that maybe some people really are interested in what you have to say.

So tonight I had made an abrupt decision to remove my twitter account, and delete my blog. I thought about that for a little while, and realized I was spiting myself with that decision. I tend to do that. Punish myself, instead of trying to really solve the situation. So I took a step back and thought I would first disconnect my blog from my twitter account. If I know a notice is not going out when I post, maybe I'll be a little more liberal with the "Publish" button. So I can post away, and only you sorry few who followed me here, and those following me on Google Reader will get an update in their feed. Feed updates are much less "in your face" than a tweet, so I am OK with that.

I don't anticipate my blog updates will be nearly as entertaining as they have been, but you never know. Sometime I can be my most charming, when I'm not even trying. And I need to stop trying. This blog is for me. Its not a political blog or a recipe blog, and I'm not trying to win any more popularity contests. If you choose to follow me, I thank you deeply. If you choose to un-follow me, I understand entirely (which is another thing I used to obsess entirely too much over).

Next, I need to evaluate my twitter account. I'm not sure what to do with it. I may take the lead of some other of my online friends and simply start another one, and follow my friends, and just keep it cosy. I currently have 1400 twitter followers, and I'd rather have 20 or 30, who are actually interested in what I have for to say.

If you are really following me because they are interested in what I have to say, I thank you. I'm really a fascinating person, if you haven't already determined that.

Warmest Regards,

Brian

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Wow, what a summer. Let me tell you it has been wild, and if I wanted to, I would not have had a spare moment to write a blog, a letter, phone a friend, or call my mom. I've been busy, there is a reason you have not heard from me. But I do know that you have anxiously awaiting my return, so I thought I would come back with a big litany of items that I had to deal with over the summer, hence reasons I did not blog (call, phone or write). OK, that was rather presumptuous, I've actually only had a few comments, and if I didn't know any better, I would think you all are reading other blogs and didn't even notice I was gone. That's the worst, taking time off, and people learn to do without you. One of my work vacation fears. if I'm gone too long, they'll figure out how to exist without me, and then I wont be as valuable as I was when I left. I'm getting off topic now, and I will take a vacation I promise.

So Meghan, Heather and Lee (especially Lee, she is the one in the middle) are probably the ones who mostly have noticed my absence. Lee mentioned to me last night (it sounds so cozy, but really it was a "tweet") that my blogged missed me. She gave a me a good idea for my next blog, but I thought I would just write a rambling stream of consciousness first to declare that I have come back, and then I'll get back into food related stuff.

Lets just enumerate my many accomplishments over the summer. Note these are not listed in any particular order.

its all vegan i assure you

• Had a birthday - OK, this did not require much preparation, as it probably would have happened regardless if I was paying attention.
• Traveled for work - I should have blogged some of my trips. Milwaukee and Memphis were of particular note, Bismarck and Evansville were not.
• Built a shed - Technically I supervised this effort, although my task (painting it) is yet to be completed.
• Painted a porch - Again, I supervised this, but in my defense, I had to make some tough calls. Such as asking the guy to paint more, so I wouldn't have to (I failed to ask him to paint my shed).
• Mowed the lawn many times - This goes without saying. And I should say that this effort takes a good 15 minutes, so there goes the summer.
• Enjoyed a big steak - Just kidding, wanted to see if you were still reading.
• Obtained my PMP - This was for real. My biggest summer time sync. 1-3 hours of study daily for almost 12 weeks. I took about 3 days off in that time. 
• Entertained my folks, brother and sister - Another good blog idea I let pass, I had my whole family at my house for my birthday. A rarity for us as we don't often all get together
• Assisted my father in surgical recovery - I really didn't do much to assist, my dad (and mom) were in the Midwest for about 5 weeks. My dad treated himself to a triple-A surgery while on vacation.
• Got depressed most Sunday evenings - I could probably write a book on Sunday blues. It would be a rather depressing book though.
• Washed my dog - Others would say I haven't done this enough times though.
• Started a rock band with my daughter - My daughter on keyboards, me with my new ax. Which I've successfully restrung the first E string. Other than that I haven't touched it. Groupies, please email me.
• Played Words With Friends dozens of times - I enjoy playing this, except with Lee, where it has become much more of a blood-sport. I did beat her once though. I should have retired after that.

So as you can see, I hadn't a chance to even relax for a moment and read a good book, let alone get on the computer and blog.

So this does not do much for my effort to blog about the trials and tribulations of becoming vegan. If anyone was wondering how I was coping on those fronts, I will say I have found a groove (rut?) that seems to be working. But as I sit here and think back, my only vegan experiences of note, are usually the ones where I am travelling out of town. That's when I get a chance to see what is in the area, go out and explore, and know that someone else is always picking up the tab. I wont try to summarize the whole summer in one blog. I should have blogged at the time, and going back now and trying to write what happened weeks or months ago would not be interesting or therapeutic.

I did step on a scale the other week, and to my surprise I was down another 10. That is a total of 40lbs lost since doing this (Although I'm not sure I dropped to a size 4). That has given me a good excuse when faced with the always awkward question of "why". I don't get it too much now, but occasionally I do, and I freely admit that I take the cheap way out, and keep the conversation away from a potential political discussion. I tend to not like to give away much about myself to others. Dem, Rep, God Fearing, Atheist, who knows? That's the way I like it. Although some of my friends can figure out that as much as I love labels, sometimes they just escape me entirely. And for fear of a label, I generally take one of the following cop outs:

• Health - Everyone knows that our country is pretty unhealthy. And doing something to improve your health is all the rage. Throw in a 40lb loss, and I'm damn near set to write a book. This answer pleases even the staunchest of conservatives (not that there is anything wrong with that).
• Wife - When in doubt (and she is not around), blame the wife. This is a good answer depending on the audience at the time. She is the Yogi, I'm the beer drinking, cigar smoking, crap shooting son-of-a-bitch. Shortly after this subject comes up, I try to steer the conversation to guns
• Experiment - Not often used, but it was sort of one, and it kinda still is. So its not entirely lying. Which I love. Telling the truth is sometimes the best lie.
• Cancer - Talking about Cancer always freaks people out, so when I want to shut a bunch of people up, I bring this up. Works like a champ. (crickets chirping)
• The Truth? - Well, I cant go there because I'm still trying to determine it. That's the guiding principle of the blog. To discover it.

So that about sums up my summer. A lot of excuses as to why I haven't blogged, a lot of excuses when asked about my lifestyle choice. General survival. Not a glowing report, but you have to survive before you can thrive. I am in a groove, which could also be though of as a rut, but hey, I'm still vegan, so I must be doing something right.

Hope you had a nice summer too :-P

Stay tuned. I have a fabulous new secret vegan recipe that will blow your head off. If you are not vegan, you will become one just to have eat this. That's my teaser.

I haven't written a blog all month

This is not a cheap attempt to get something to show up in my blogger for May, OK, maybe it is a little. I just spotted the date, and realized my last post was about my one year anniversary of going vegan. Suffice it to say (I like saying that) that I have not been putting much emphasis into my blogging. I have no real answer for this. I had a few people ping me about this a few months ago, so i made some half hearted attempts at writing witty entries with pictures that I did not get approval from anyone for displaying. I re-read the last few, and they lack the enthusiasm that I had in the fall. Maybe it was all still fun and fresh, and maybe I am settling in for the long haul, and these types of things are falling by the wayside. I will say that I do go all hot and heavy and get excited about things, only to have the luster wear off, and I am bored and looking for something new to play with. (Not at all a marital or relationship reference, in case anyone is getting nervous).

So 13 months later and I am settling in. I will say I had some serious discussions with myself about abandoning this this whole thing, and just going back to a more modest diet. You know, just try to keep things in moderation, and avoid overdoing everything like I used to. I figured if I could do this for 13 months, I could go back to a modest diet, eat a healthy balance of meats, dairy, veggies, grains, etc. I thought about it. But I keep going back to my smoking analogy. I wont bore you with that again, I've written about it twice now. I could say that having given up smoking for 5ish years, I could surely go back to smoking just a few cigs a day or a week, right???. How many ex-smokers would go along with that? Yeah, not too many. If I could go from a regular smoker for many years, to a casual smoker, and never want more, I would surely be able to conquer the world. I will bet that my going vegan is more realistic than me being able to casually smoke. So that being said, the thing that kept me back the most was fear. Fear of starting something, spending months and months to figure it out, and then destroy it overnight.

I'll admit that I was not caught up in veganism ethics, animal cruelty, etc. (I'll lose a few followers for that one). I was afraid of not being able to handle it. Go back to my glutinous over indulging ways, pack the weight back on that I lost, and feeling my health decline as my cholesterol goes up. I was afraid of going on to twitter and saying "So I fucked up and had some KFC"... Yeah, if I go out, I'll go out flaming. Not just nibble on a piece of cheese, or having something with butter in it,.. no I'll have some fried chicken, a cheeseburger, or something else that would no doubt double me over in pain, as my system would probably react like tossing water on a hot frying pan. What was I going to say? I could lie, but my wife has noted that I am an absolutely horrendous liar. I'm sure I wouldn't get vary far.

So I even went so far as to plan out what I was going to do with my blog. I had planned to first delete my twitter account, first dm'ing my closer friends. But what would I tell them? People are people, and we all have friends that share different views, political, sexual, whatever. And my "friends" would probably continue to be there, but then since I've only met,.. hmmmm, one? of my tweeps. I'm guessing I have not built up enough trust and respect for anyone to really understand what really makes me tick. Stands to reason, the friends I've had for 20+ years haven't really figured it out (I have faith in "Lee" though, we connect on other planes as well). Next I planned to delete my blog, but then I thought about how I could save off my articles. That made little sense to me. Why would I want to save things about something I tried and failed. No, in order to hide from the shame, I would have to just disconnect from everyone, delete all traces of me, and simply vanish.

I thought about. I admit it. I think about it. But I have to confess that after 13 months, I'm still looking for answers. We went to a Yogic Takeover of Fountain Square in Cincinnati a few weeks back. A big yoga, vegan fest right downtown. A friend of my wifes (part of her yoga troupe) is a musician, and he did a funky vegan rap called "Where do you get your protein?". It was a fun song about plant based diet, and the myths of needing meat/dairy to stay strong and healthy. It was a great song, and I felt pride, which is a feeling I never really had until that point. When it was done, my son Alex, the eternal meat eater, said "Alright Dad" and clapped. He was excited that it was a song about his dad. I put my vanishing plans on hold at that moment.

So I'm not fishing for sympathy at all on this blog. Its just a rambling a stream of consciousness. No pictures, no editing (I did the spell check as I was typing though). Just what was going on in my mind, on this last day of May.

I haven't vanished, and I'm really not intending too. I'm just dealing with the end of the exciting fresh and fun phase, and the start of the long stretch. Its like going on a cross country vacation with your parents. Its starts out great. In the car, singing, playing games,... then you realize you aren't even close, and your brother is annoying the shit out of you. This has nothing to do with my brother of course, but i'm at that phase. So i need to prepare for the next one, so I am not caught unprepared for the realities of what lies ahead. I cant make any promises how this blog will evolve. I'm digging in though. No plans to retreat (yet)

Winter is coming....

Year One

trust me, the cake is vegan

One Year of Crabbiness:

I cant pinpoint the precise date, but I'm going to pick this date for a few reasons. I  had recently returned from Colorado, where I announced my intentions to my Sales colleague (while eating Carnitas taco's). I'm sure that I didnt stop that Thursday I returned home. More likely it was the following Saturday (April 17th), where I started my two week PB&J and Pasta binge (I didn't know exactly what to eat). It wasn't too long after that, that I started figuring some things out, but I had a long way to go to begin to understand what I was in for, and why I was doing it.

One year later, I'll freely admit that I am not nearly as converted as I thought I would be. I heard stories of people losing the cravings of meat, etc after a short time. I quit smoking years ago, and I still want one. Chances were good that a year later, I'd still want a cheeseburger.

So hear I am a year later, and I still have many of the same questions I had on day one. Yes I'm a lot more educated on the industries. I know a lot more about food, and where it comes from. I learned that Whole Foods was just not a patronized by a bunch of hippie, liberal, Prius driving, wanna-be's. (although there are quite a few). I learned that I can be a lot healthier, as I am down 30lbs+, and feel generally good (physically speaking). I've certainly learned that Milk, Eggs, and Meat are not the only, or even the best sources for all of your daily nutrients... But still I am unconvinced.

I will say that the experience has made me a lot of friends, that I would not have found otherwise, and I will admit that they are a main reason I keep on (ok, my family gets some credit too). They tell you that when you quit smoking you are supposed to tell everyone you know. Supposed to keep you honest. That was a good strategy. I think about how my actions would be received by my new friends. Sure, I could just not say anything, but my wife will tell you that I cant keep a secret (for long). I will always confess to her when I would sneak food late at night. Plus, my whole blog would be a sham then. No point in blogging something that I wasn't about. That being said, you will probably know it I fall off the wagon. I'll vanish into thin air, else I face the wrath of my 50+ blog followers, and 1000 twitter friends (ok, not all 1000 are real people, but I like to think so).

It is hard, I will say. I can even get a little pissy when I read tweets about how easy it is to be vegan, or how someone made the best meal ever. I dont begrudge anyone really, but the fat kid doesn't want to hear a skinny person say how they can eat anything, and not gain an ounce. It may be true, but its not fun to hear. But it is hard. Its been hard every day. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to smoking (which is why I had to quit), I'm addicted to food (which is why I needed to change). But unlike smoking, I still gotta eat. So I am reminded with every bite, how strong that addiction really is.

So where do I go now? Well just because I dont have all of the answers, doesn't mean that I give up asking. I didn't earn my college degree in a year, so why should I have it all figured out now? I know better now. I know realistically what I am up against, and I am better prepared to deal with the next year. I know I am hard on myself, as a lot of my blogs will attest to. I will probably have more blog entries about my indiscretions, but I know to be more realistic. I have one year behind me, and I'm probably not going to save the world, but I'm going to cast my vote anyway.

Brian

You shower me with lullabies

As you're walking away

Reminds me that it's killing time

On this fateful day

See you at the bitter end

What happens in Vegas... (gets blogged here)

I really didn't go to Vegas

I've always been about full disclosure, and even some of my friends have joked about when I may have slipped, or not monitored my intake carefully, that "I'd better blog that". So I put this blog together last summer as a way to help me chronicle my transition to a vegan lifestyle. And I would say that my intentions were purely honest at first, but then when it became evident that others were actually reading it, I started thinking a little bit more about what I was writing. I'm now trying to "think" less, and "write" more.

i drew this on a bar napkin

In October of last year, I posted http://crabbyvegan.blogspot.com/2010/10/forgive-me-vegans-for-i-have-sinned.html which was an account of guilts that I have been collecting at that point. I just reread that to see if I have learned anything. I see that I have not learned that much.

naples fairfield inn. free breakfast

So I was NOT in Vegas, but I just returned from vacation, about 7 days (less the driving) with my folks in Naples, FL (Bonita Springs actually, but "Naples" sounds more regal). On the second day of the drive, I made a conscious choice to be less true to my veganism. Permission to CHEAT (this could get ugly). Don't worry, I didn't give it up, or do anything rash. It wasn't really permission to cheat, but just an allowance to relax, and try not to let food dominate the week. I just decided to "look the other way" a few times, and not inquire too deeply into what I was eating. I felt bad about it, but I was out of my element on vacation, and unlike all of the work travelling I've been doing, I was not in complete control of the food. At least when I'm  away on work, I only need to focus on myself, now its a pregnant wife, the nugget, and the two big omni kids, and of course myself. Put us all together for over a week, including the time at my folks, and things will get dicey. So lets try to see where I went wrong this week.

don't go for the $5 footlong here

It all started at Subway. Subway has been a real problem for me ever since I discovered the veggie patties are not vegan. Its really annoyed me more than anything else, as I think it would be easy for these things to be made vegan. I've been pretty good about avoiding them, but this time, I ordered it anyway.

to think i used to love these on fridays in lent

For the mostpart, we kept our meals pretty true, although I thought I would never admit it, I am getting pretty sick of pasta. That was my goto meal in Mexico, and most of the time when dining out with colleagues. I never thought I would catch myself on a drink, but there they were; Anchovy Stuffed Olives. Ok, that was an accident, but after the third one in my martini, I inquired about these most excellent olives, in which case I was crushed to find out the truth. In their honor I sang an ode "Anchovies are People Too". You should hear me sing it. Its quite haunting.

i actually made these, just for the photo opp

My daughter's birthday was a few weeks back, and my sons a couple of weeks out. My daughter is an odd sort. She doesn't like "cake", so my mom got a cherry pie, that evidently was requested by my daughter. Turns out she doesn't like that either. So there we were, Cherry Pie, Cupcakes, Carrot Cake, all of which were probably not assembled by vegan bakers.... Alas, there I go again. My guilt started in right about here.

oddly, i have nothing cute to say here

As for the cupcakes, (let me tell you what an odd obsession I have with them) it wasn't 5 minutes after the house when quiet that evening, that I wasn't sneaking into the kitchen, and quietly opening up the container of cupcakes. This container was one of those plastic ones, with the lid, that sound like nails on a chalkboard when you open it up. Thankfully no one heard, and I polished off that baby in two bites. Oddly enough I chased it with a kosher dill pickle. Pretty sure THAT was vegan.

another project i slaved over for this picture. i pinch

I will say that when the California roll's came out, I diligently removed the Faux Crab meat before eating them (Ok, I ate three before I started this practice). I made sure to pick veggie rolls up when I went to Whole Foods later that week. We also took an afternoon and visited the Loving Hut in Naples (a moment of sanity). It was nice to order anything off the menu and not have to worry about it, but I am very suspicious of their Thai Ice Tea. They claim its just Soy Milk, but she said maybe some honey too. Which didn't dawn on me until after she left that she said "honey". Lets not get into honey now. I gave it up, I used the last of my lavender honey (real men only go for 100% lavender honey), and I avoid it, but I don't really get the honey avoidance thing. I'll leave that and a few other things for another blog.

this place was rumored to have an awesome salad bar

Going out to dinner in and around Naples during this time of the year proved difficult. For about 3 months a year, if you want to get a table at a restaurant, you either need to go to dinner at 4:30, or 8:30. Now normally, a late dinner is just fine with me, but with kids, you need about a 6:30 table time to make it work out. And this is at the crappy restaurants. I swear I saw a line at the IHOP, and what a crowd outside the Outback.... The Outback for Christ's sake!, when I ATE meat, their steaks sucked! And hey you are in South Florida, if seafood is your thing, you are in the right place, but you couldn't get a table at Red Lobster the night we went out. And that is telling you something. Man the more I think about it, the more restaurants generally suck.

she wrote a book called "mexican enough" ok, i'm reaching on this one

So we managed to find a place that was like an upscale Chipotle. When I go out to eat, I generally like to be waited on. I'm not a huge fan of ordering at a counter, unless I'm travelling alone. With the family, I have enough headaches, I want people to bring ME stuff, and asking ME what I want. Regardless, after the endless grumbling that my son was dishing (the place was not Mexican enough for him)... Which is pretty funny, I spent a week in Mexico, and ate pasta for the whole time. This place was Mexican "enough".

i only like these because they are rumored to be good for your heart

So on come the blinders. All I can say is no "dairy", but when asked if I want "cheese", I am forced to remind people that "cheese" generally comes from dairy (i would say they looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but i don't think that statement is vegan enough for me). So I didnt ask any more questions. I placed a complex 6 person dinner order, rolled the dice, and hoped for the best. Which for the mostpart it was, but I will admit, after I polished off my Refried Beans, I noticed the cheese on my plate. What a waste. I ate cheese, and didn't even get anything from it. My son was fine btw, he had a taco as big as his head, and I found some habenero sauce that blew our minds.

there has to be more vegans out there

So the remainder of the week was lower key, in fact the whole vacation was pretty low key, we managed to just make do with basic vacation food staples, such as Pizza, Sandwiches, both of which I experienced a partial fail. Galaxy Veggie Slices melt just way too nice, and have a creamy flavor, that I know can only come from cows (mmmm,.. creamy cows). This is somewhat irritating. Why do you make a veggie cheese, and still find a way to work dairy into it. Like why use eggs in veggie patties? I think companies are too lazy, and these ingredients are too easy. Someone told me most popcorn contains milk, why am I not surprised? So I was clearly outraged, and I surely spit the food out into the sink the second it hit my tongue right? Nope, again, the vacation blinders were on, and I just figured I'd say another vegan Hail Mary when I got home.

the captain would not let us throw things in the fan

i cant why people see these and think of "shoes". i think "gator nuggets"

Just to give you a indication, we did in fact go to the pool, the beach, went into the Everglades in airboats, all of that South Florida stuff, so dont think it was all me lamenting food choices. Ok, maybe 70% of it was. Again, out of my element, and my control,.. and of course with tempting things lying around, and my wander lust, it was not going to be long before I was engaged in behavior I would not be proud of.

not vegan, thats why i licked my fingers, touched them all and didn't take one

I wont even get started on Cookies. I could right a whole blog on how I have become the cookie cheater. It is just best to keep them away from me. If the cookie looked good, and you told me it was cooked over the flaming carcasses of puppies and kittens, I'd probably ask for a glass of milk to go with it.

you google pizza crusts and see what you can find

So there we were no driving back to Cincinnati, fighting the insane traffic from Tampa all the way to Atlanta. We stop late for dinner, and I end up having another lousy pasta dish, but at least they heard me and did not add the cheese this time. I did however eat several Pizza Crusts, as this has always been one of my great vegan downfalls.

Well we are now home again, and I promise to get back on track. Confess my sins, and try to keep looking forward. I think its best to just keep some things away from me though. My willpower is strained.  I think I am getting back to normal though. After spending an outrageous $60 at Whole Foods, I did manage to leave with the following:

Vegan General Chicken

Vegan Tamales (finally)

A Vegan Chicken Salad Wrap (ate it in the car)

GT Trilogy

Uncle Eddie's Vegan Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (eating them now)

Chocolove Cherries & Almonds

Jamaican Chicken Soy Jerky

Tofurkey (Oven Roasted)
Amy's Low Sodium Vegetarian Lentil Soup

Soy Yogurt

Apple Juice

Odwalla Original Superfood

Banana's

I almost said i was "duh, winning", but that would be too easy. I'm much more obscure than that. I'm back in the saddle baby.

i actually like this better than the aerosmith version