Protège moi de mes désirs

The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true. 

For one reason or another, when I think about eating something non-vegan, I hear Galadrial in the back of my head talking to me. Seriously.

This is a bit dramatic, but there is a lot of truth to this. I used to smoke, I mentioned this in post I put out in late summer last year. I commented on how much I enjoyed smoking. I quote: "I used to smoke, and I was good at it. No, I was great at it. I was the best smoker you ever saw, and I loved it..." This is precisely why I could never entertain lighting up another cigarette. Oh I have had a few in the last 5 years, but I swear on "someones" grave, I did not inhale. I knew better. Once that smoke hit my lungs, I'd be hooked again. At least I recognize my addictive nature, and avoid getting sucked back in. I even toyed with giving myself rules to allow myself to smoke. Like, "Only smoke when you travel", but then I travel too much for that, so I said "Only smoke when travelling Internationally". That sounded better, but almost immediately I started eyeballing Canada (which isnt all that far away). I could see myself making an excuse to go to our Detroit office, then slipping into Windsor for some debaucherous behavior. No, not that,.. just pull over, have a few smokes, then drive back. I can imagine what they would say at immigration. "Purpose for visit? Oh, I'm just coming over to have a smoke". Clearly I couldn't trust myself with rules. It was all or nothing,.. well,.. it was nothing.

You see my point. Just one slip, and I come crashing down. This is how I feel about my now nine months of veganism. I watched TV last night, as I am oddly addicted to Glee (not related to the point I'm trying to make, but it may be relevant at some point), and there was a slew of commercials on for the crappiest of foods out there. Pizza, Fast Food, Fried Chicken, etc. And it all looked soooooo good. I could smell the Pizza, feel the crunch of the Fried Chicken as I sunk my teeth into it,.. and Subway has a new "big hot pastrami" commercial. Come on are you serious? A Subway commercial of all things? Yeah, I'm not always haunted by classy stuff, its not Ruth's Chris and Morton's that are haunting me, its the Jersey Mikes, Jimmy John's, Quizno's genre that is causing me the greatest stress. But lately, its that damn pastrami commercial. That commercial feels like it was made to taunt me specifically.


Maybe its the new year, the holidays are over, work has slammed me once again. My happy festive spirit is long since gone, my gallettes were a train wreck (still pondering though). My travel schedule is getting brutal, and my general mood is declining. Its probably just that post holiday slump. I feel like this veganism is narrow path along the face of a cliff, and there is an easy way off. (No, not the Mines of Moria) Just eat the cheeseburger, and put all this madness behind you. What good am I doing? One vote never counts, despite whatpeople tell you.


I dont really have anything tempting in the house anymore, but I've been thinking about how I could cheat, and not tell anyone, keep it from my wife, my family, keep it off twitter. I have daydreamed about going to Jimmy Johns and just sitting in my car, disposing of all of the evidence, then going on my way. Man, I could NEVER pull that off. I'd have guilt written all over my face,.. and then I'd just want to do it again and again. My wife would see right through me. I could never keep a secret from her.

Its a struggle, and I'm just surprised at myself a little. I've read a number blogs of people converting, and then within a couple of months, they have all but sworn off any desire for meat or dairy. I wonder if that desire will ever go away. I have changed, there are things that now give me pause, where i never used to give them a second thought (ribs for example. now the thought of sucking on bones is a bit disturbing). Thats good, right? It is much more gradual than I had thought though. This is going to take years or longer to get this behind me. Or is it like smoking, where it never quite goes away, and I have to give myself an out. When I turn 80, I'm going to take it up smoking again. At that point, what harm could it do? Too late to kill me then. So maybe I'll have a steak as well. My luck, I would cease up and die on that very spot. I would forever be remembered as the long time vegan that died face down in a hunk of meat with a marlboro burning in an ashtray. Ok, maybe I wont have that steak, but I am having that smoke.

It's the disease of the age

It's the disease that we crave

Alone at the end of the rave

We catch the last bus home

Corporate America wakes

Coffee republic and cakes

We open the latch on the gate

Of the hole that we call our home

Protect me from what I want...

Protect me protect me