One Seriously Crabby Vegan (aka Dudebro)

Against my better judgement, I am going to post this. I ran this through my "editing" department, and she assured me that this was worthy of posting.  This was written when I returned home after a long day, with almost nothing to eat.  At the end I psychoanalyze myself, just for fun.  Please enjoy this, I have not edited it at all from my initial writing (OK, maybe just a few words).

I thought I would log in and write this.  I'm not sure at this moment that I will even publish this, but in the mood that I am in, this seemed like the best thing to do. Lets just say that when I dont eat, I turn into one crabby bitch. And that is putting it mildly.  Today was just the absolute worst day. I started off making a huge mistake of not eating. So when your day starts with coffee on an empty stomach, you are not off to a good start.  Moving into the lunch hour, I elected to wait for my wife to get free and come and pick me up at work to go to lunch, I passed on her advice to get a salad in the cafeteria (2nd big mistake).  Lets just say that my office has a first rate shitty cafeteria.  And I'll also state that I have grown so tired of salads, that I will literally go hungry before I succumb to another bed of lettuce.  Ok, in reality, eating that would have been better, but I had my sights set on a trip to Whole Foods, so I passed on the salad.  So now at 3pm, my wife calls, and at this time there is no way I can leave the office.  By now my mood has soured considerably.

I have a function after work which includes cocktails at 5, awards at 6 (of which I won an Engineering Innovation Award, whoop dee fucking doo), and dinner at 7.  So I chill out a little and have a few drinks.  Awards ceremony comes and goes, and dinner starts to come out.  A salad to begin.  First thing I do is comb through it and remove all the cheese.  I eat the olives, the tomatoes and the cukes, and push the iceberg lettuce around the plate, and drink a glass of Pinot.  Then comes dinner.  There are no options, just a plate of food.  It included a piece of chicken, small strip steak, shrimp, some sauteed veggies, and smashed potatoes (thats what I call them, and no thats not my dinner in the picture, i just found that revolting picture for dramatic affect).  So I deal with the obvious fact that these veggies were sauteed in butter, but I push the meat away, and consume my food in about 4 bites.  Drink another glass of Pinot, have a roll, and my Sr. VP notes that I'm not really eating, so of course he asks.  So I tell him I'm a vegetarian.  I've noted that he is eating the exact opposite as me and has left his veggies and taters, and eaten everything else, to which he acknowledges that he eats nothing good for him.  So now is my favorite part, when my coworkers feel that it is time jump in and discuss my dietary change.  I take it in stride, and try to get the conversation to change.  Then dessert comes, and of course I'm not taking any part in that.  But I know at this point the evening is waning, and its just a matter of a little more time and I am outta there.

I had no car today, so my wife comes and picks me up, and I remain completely silent in the car on the way back to her folks. I know better than to speak, somehow I want to blame her for my mood, so I best keep my trap shut.  She has asked me a few times if she could make me something to eat, which is exactly what I need, but precisely what I decline.  Back at her folks, I get changed, find a nice corner of the couch, and just stew.... After about an hour, I decide to pop online and seek some professional advice from my "vegans" (thats what I call them)... Advice? or just to brood on twitter and see what happens... that sounds like more what I feel like doing....

I jokingly tell my wife that I love "more",... more what you ask?  It doesn't matter,... I love "more".  Whatever it may be, it is not enough.  If I'm looking at computers, I want a bigger monitor, if I'm dishing out pasta, I put more on my plate, if I'm taking pain pills for my back, I take twice as many as I should, if I'm driving to work, I go too fast, if I go out with friends, I'm the guy ordering Jaeger at 2am.  I joined Facebook, and when I hit 5000 friends, and wasted every evening playing Mafia Wars, I couldn't get any more....  I just love more,... bigger, faster, hotter, colder, saltier, sweeter, whatever... I push the degree of whatever it is I'm dealing with.  This vegan-ism is a good example.  I didn't want to just stop eating beef,... no, I wanted more.  More vegetarianism,... lets give up beef,... and chicken,.... and fish,... and everything! Lets go vegan,.... NOW.  Bam,.. I'm a Vegan.  I got my More.

Ok, tonight is classic more, in a different sense.  More shitty mood.  Yes, I don't discriminate in the least.  When I say I love more, I mean it applies to things that are not always in my best interest, or my personal desires.  This isn't the first evening,.. and I'm writing this while steaming now because I want to see where this blog is going.  I want more crappy mood, and I know if I eat something, my hunger will subside, as will my mood, so the only thing that will keep me in this sulking martyrdom is to abstain from eating.  I will "more" this mood into the ground.

In comes @celeryinthecity, @TheTastyVegan on twitter.  Twitter is clearly a "more", but I havent yet gone too far with it.  Oh I will, but since I know there are real people on the other end, I think they may keep me in check.  These two and their relentless pursuit to make me realize what a "Dudebro" (don't ask, I cant define it) I'm being, has cracked my mood wide open, and I have given in to making something to eat.  And just like that, normalcy is coming back.......

I'll try to post something more mature next time.....