Friday, November 12, 2010

One Seriously Crabby Vegan (aka Dudebro)

Against my better judgement, I am going to post this. I ran this through my "editing" department, and she assured me that this was worthy of posting.  This was written when I returned home after a long day, with almost nothing to eat.  At the end I psychoanalyze myself, just for fun.  Please enjoy this, I have not edited it at all from my initial writing (OK, maybe just a few words).

I thought I would log in and write this.  I'm not sure at this moment that I will even publish this, but in the mood that I am in, this seemed like the best thing to do. Lets just say that when I dont eat, I turn into one crabby bitch. And that is putting it mildly.  Today was just the absolute worst day. I started off making a huge mistake of not eating. So when your day starts with coffee on an empty stomach, you are not off to a good start.  Moving into the lunch hour, I elected to wait for my wife to get free and come and pick me up at work to go to lunch, I passed on her advice to get a salad in the cafeteria (2nd big mistake).  Lets just say that my office has a first rate shitty cafeteria.  And I'll also state that I have grown so tired of salads, that I will literally go hungry before I succumb to another bed of lettuce.  Ok, in reality, eating that would have been better, but I had my sights set on a trip to Whole Foods, so I passed on the salad.  So now at 3pm, my wife calls, and at this time there is no way I can leave the office.  By now my mood has soured considerably.

I have a function after work which includes cocktails at 5, awards at 6 (of which I won an Engineering Innovation Award, whoop dee fucking doo), and dinner at 7.  So I chill out a little and have a few drinks.  Awards ceremony comes and goes, and dinner starts to come out.  A salad to begin.  First thing I do is comb through it and remove all the cheese.  I eat the olives, the tomatoes and the cukes, and push the iceberg lettuce around the plate, and drink a glass of Pinot.  Then comes dinner.  There are no options, just a plate of food.  It included a piece of chicken, small strip steak, shrimp, some sauteed veggies, and smashed potatoes (thats what I call them, and no thats not my dinner in the picture, i just found that revolting picture for dramatic affect).  So I deal with the obvious fact that these veggies were sauteed in butter, but I push the meat away, and consume my food in about 4 bites.  Drink another glass of Pinot, have a roll, and my Sr. VP notes that I'm not really eating, so of course he asks.  So I tell him I'm a vegetarian.  I've noted that he is eating the exact opposite as me and has left his veggies and taters, and eaten everything else, to which he acknowledges that he eats nothing good for him.  So now is my favorite part, when my coworkers feel that it is time jump in and discuss my dietary change.  I take it in stride, and try to get the conversation to change.  Then dessert comes, and of course I'm not taking any part in that.  But I know at this point the evening is waning, and its just a matter of a little more time and I am outta there.

I had no car today, so my wife comes and picks me up, and I remain completely silent in the car on the way back to her folks. I know better than to speak, somehow I want to blame her for my mood, so I best keep my trap shut.  She has asked me a few times if she could make me something to eat, which is exactly what I need, but precisely what I decline.  Back at her folks, I get changed, find a nice corner of the couch, and just stew.... After about an hour, I decide to pop online and seek some professional advice from my "vegans" (thats what I call them)... Advice? or just to brood on twitter and see what happens... that sounds like more what I feel like doing....

I jokingly tell my wife that I love "more",... more what you ask?  It doesn't matter,... I love "more".  Whatever it may be, it is not enough.  If I'm looking at computers, I want a bigger monitor, if I'm dishing out pasta, I put more on my plate, if I'm taking pain pills for my back, I take twice as many as I should, if I'm driving to work, I go too fast, if I go out with friends, I'm the guy ordering Jaeger at 2am.  I joined Facebook, and when I hit 5000 friends, and wasted every evening playing Mafia Wars, I couldn't get any more....  I just love more,... bigger, faster, hotter, colder, saltier, sweeter, whatever... I push the degree of whatever it is I'm dealing with.  This vegan-ism is a good example.  I didn't want to just stop eating beef,... no, I wanted more.  More vegetarianism,... lets give up beef,... and chicken,.... and fish,... and everything! Lets go vegan,.... NOW.  Bam,.. I'm a Vegan.  I got my More.

Ok, tonight is classic more, in a different sense.  More shitty mood.  Yes, I don't discriminate in the least.  When I say I love more, I mean it applies to things that are not always in my best interest, or my personal desires.  This isn't the first evening,.. and I'm writing this while steaming now because I want to see where this blog is going.  I want more crappy mood, and I know if I eat something, my hunger will subside, as will my mood, so the only thing that will keep me in this sulking martyrdom is to abstain from eating.  I will "more" this mood into the ground.

In comes @celeryinthecity, @TheTastyVegan on twitter.  Twitter is clearly a "more", but I havent yet gone too far with it.  Oh I will, but since I know there are real people on the other end, I think they may keep me in check.  These two and their relentless pursuit to make me realize what a "Dudebro" (don't ask, I cant define it) I'm being, has cracked my mood wide open, and I have given in to making something to eat.  And just like that, normalcy is coming back.......

I'll try to post something more mature next time.....


  1. All of these pictures are full of win. I feel the need to pose with a celery stalk now.

    I'm happy that you ate something and stopped being such a grumpy dudebro. You need to start keeping things at you desk that are vegan! Bars, nuts, celery ;)

  2. This is hilarious dudebro! You've just cured my mid-day crappy mood slump... we're a relative mutual fun society aren't we... moral support for grumpy vegans!

    I hope you're gorging on MORE yummy vegan food today.

    Well done for winning that whoopdedooo award by the way.

  3. i'm glad some good came of this post. i ran it past celery this morning for her opinion, and she was all for posting it. i really have myself to blame for the the whole day skewing out of control, but it corrected itself eventually. thank you both for your unending support :-) ... and yeah, the award is cooler today, i could have cared less yesterday....

  4. Congratulations on the award. I love posts like this because they are so real. We have all had days similar to this. Nothing good happens after no breakfast and no lunch and no dinner. Glad your mood was lifted.

  5. Ok, some practical suggestions: Have an emergency supply of food at work/in the car like energy bars or trail mix. Call ahead and get a meal that might be veggie-friendly. Even at events that I didn't do this, I usually just ask the server if there are any salads without cheese in back and usually they can find something.

    We all have crappy days. You got through it and hopefully some lessons learned. Congrats on the award!

  6. @neven... thanks :) starting off the day on the wrong foot, and never correcting that never leads to anything good.. yes, you were online when it all came back together

    @zesty... i love that pic

    @bitt... you are 100% spot on. although as you see, sometimes i want to continue and escalate my crappy mood. i'll try to refrain in the future

  7. I'm pretty sure we all have those kinda days, the frustrating kind ;). Way to put it on paper in an honest, candid way.

    All the snack ideas are spot-on, my purse always has something to munch on inside.

  8. Ditto what Bitt said about the snacks.

    That said... sometimes stewing in your moody juices is really all you want to do. I get that. I'm the queen of wallowing, ferrealz. And I think it's okay... to an extent. Then you gotta let it out, which it looks like you did via ye olde Twitter. :)

    Anyway - congrats on the award!

  9. Wow, yes I have felt so much like this but THIS TOO shall pass! I almost felt like this yesterday until I was at the store and bought nuts and dark choco chips for snacks since I was SO STUPID and LAZY not being stuff with me. Sometimes bringing food with me makes me feel like I am addicted to food and I want to make sure that I do not LOVE food but NEED it for nourishment. I am staying with 2 friends this weekend that hardly eat even if they are thin and I know I have to eat if I am going to be in a good mood. It is all about being balanced and I think you are going to get there. Thanks for sharing.

  10. Awesome post - your honesty is great because we've all been there. Next time you're at WholeFoods, you should try to find a few snacks that you can keep at work in case this happens again. Maybe nothing with peanut butter in them, so you won't eat them in a non-emergency :), but something like canned soup or chili? Being prepared is half the battle when you're vegan, and I know we all mess up on that! I've been the crabby vegan on the highway too many times, praying that the next exit has a subway or taco bell! Anyway, congrats on your award and hope you get to eat lots of nice food today!

  11. Another great post... Boy I have had days like that. I need to eat *something* every 2 hours or so, or I get *extremely cranky*.

    I've learned to always keep lots of food on hand if I'm going to be trapped somewhere.

  12. I think you should have hopped in your brodozer and ran to KFC for a double down. That always works for the dudebros I know.


  13. RYC: I hear you on the Gardein. I had the scallopini last night for the first time and was a little frightened. Love the stuff, but yea, the price is prohibitive to regular consumption.

  14. double down??? how about double over!! that is some imagery i need to shake off :) i'm kind of glad a lot of the meat stuff i like is pricey, keeps me honest, and inspires me to make my own, or do sometime more affordable, and look at these as "treats" and not everyday meals. thanks!